Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
