Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
