Just fell off a train. Bad.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
