I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
