Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
