By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
