Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize