Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
