and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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