tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
