somebody snuck up and got me drunk
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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