You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
