So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
