You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
