You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
