I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
