Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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