Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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