someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
