There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
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Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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