I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
