New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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