i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
