Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My ass is underappreciated
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
