How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
