and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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