My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
A bitchslap is in order.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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