so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
