went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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