you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
