he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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