You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
