You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
well you can't waste a boner
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
