Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
