party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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