I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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