I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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