i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
