I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
