Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
