it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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