morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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