Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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