I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
