i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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