I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
