I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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