Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
