bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
