life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
