I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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