Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
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So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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