is your mom at the bar?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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