the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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