I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
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EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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