I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize