mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
